Dating after a breakup is a tricky thing. When is the right time? I tell my clients to use caution. While it is important to socialize and interact with others, it is important to understand that when you have had a long term relationship or marriage, there is a bond or joining of souls, if you will, that has been broken. After a break up you are vulnerable, and it is very easy to fill the void with another person, who will turn out to be the wrong person. Not that the person is a bad person, but most probably not the right match. It is normal to want to get back the attention and "love" that was lost; be careful.
The person "abandoning" the relationship may have already met another person who was used to fill that person's void and strengthen the person's will to leave and abandon their partner. The "dumped" person many times comes to counseling grieving the loss,abandonment and envying the "dumper's" relationship. There is nothing to envy there. That relationship many times is weak, based on lies and infidelity. There may be a marriage but not a healthy one. For the "dumper", when that "second" relationship ends, that person will grieve both relationships. The "dumpee" has grieved once. So there is nothing to envy. Once the "dumpee" finds a new partner, they are in a much better place emotionally and spiritually. After separation and divorce, focus on yourself and get to know yourself again. Reconnect with friends. If you date, understand that this person can be a friend and reframe from focusing on relationship. It is OK to date many people. Dating does not mean becoming sexually involved. Focus on self and self growth with a healthy network of friends.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
School time!
It's that time of the year; back to school. Five year olds starting school for the first time. Older "children" starting Middle and Senior High and oh, the anxiety of the parents sending off the "young adults" to college. A time of transition for many.
To the parents I say, you have hopefully taught your kids manners, and self respect at whatever age they are and can allow yourself to let them experience and learn for themselves. For many parents there is a change. No child home during the day, or living in the home. This should not be viewed as a negative. It can also be a time for the child's primary caretaker to return to school, work, or community service. It can be time to start a home business in the spare room. Time to rekindle romance instead of having an empty nest.
Whatever age, parents need to give kids the "space" to grow. New friends in Kindergarten, space for the young adult to mature.
It is funny now, in a time of cell phones how some parents feel a need to call the "child" through out the day. How did previous generations cope?
It will be a time of change and transition for many and these are to be framed in positive ways. Growth and even that little tinge of pain is good. It is growth. It will be a benefit in the long run.
Parents talk to your kids about personal responsibility, it should have started a while ago. Have the conversation again ,trust your kids, and that you have done your job. Enjoy Life!
To the parents I say, you have hopefully taught your kids manners, and self respect at whatever age they are and can allow yourself to let them experience and learn for themselves. For many parents there is a change. No child home during the day, or living in the home. This should not be viewed as a negative. It can also be a time for the child's primary caretaker to return to school, work, or community service. It can be time to start a home business in the spare room. Time to rekindle romance instead of having an empty nest.
Whatever age, parents need to give kids the "space" to grow. New friends in Kindergarten, space for the young adult to mature.
It is funny now, in a time of cell phones how some parents feel a need to call the "child" through out the day. How did previous generations cope?
It will be a time of change and transition for many and these are to be framed in positive ways. Growth and even that little tinge of pain is good. It is growth. It will be a benefit in the long run.
Parents talk to your kids about personal responsibility, it should have started a while ago. Have the conversation again ,trust your kids, and that you have done your job. Enjoy Life!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The "midlife crisis"
Now, when you see the term "midlife crisis" what comes to mind? Is it a valid term? Is it an American phenomenon? What is it?
Most probably you think it is something that happens to men. They lose weight, start dressing hipper, get the sports car and think they are just so cool!
There is no mental health diagnosis for this although maybe the collaborators of the DSM (bible of diagnosis for mental health providers) need to look at this.
The phenomenon happens between the ages of 30 something and late 50s. It is mostly men although I have had male clients who describe the same happening to their wives. Is it hormonal/physical? Sometimes an illness or physical sexual issues/problems preceded this. Some individuals , once a history is taken come from a dysfunctional family of origin. Maybe there was alcoholism or parental infidelity. Not everyone has a midlife crisis but when someone has one it is disruptive not only to the person but to the spouse, children and extended family. As a mental health provider, I can most accurately describe the behavior as "psychotic" or a loss of contact from reality. Many "victims" and I mean the person married/involved with the person having the midlife crisis, come to treatment. Usually the "midlifer" has projected their own negative emotions to the "victim". The midlifer communicates to the victim that they are at fault. "If only you ______________" You can fill in the blank.
If only you were home more, cooked more, cooked less. Folks, doesn't matter what you did, it was wrong. Again,not totally male phenomenon but mostly,there are women out there having the "midlife crisis". If your partner is going though this, don't isolate yourself. Talk to your friends, therapist and trust me, it is not your fault.
Most probably you think it is something that happens to men. They lose weight, start dressing hipper, get the sports car and think they are just so cool!
There is no mental health diagnosis for this although maybe the collaborators of the DSM (bible of diagnosis for mental health providers) need to look at this.
The phenomenon happens between the ages of 30 something and late 50s. It is mostly men although I have had male clients who describe the same happening to their wives. Is it hormonal/physical? Sometimes an illness or physical sexual issues/problems preceded this. Some individuals , once a history is taken come from a dysfunctional family of origin. Maybe there was alcoholism or parental infidelity. Not everyone has a midlife crisis but when someone has one it is disruptive not only to the person but to the spouse, children and extended family. As a mental health provider, I can most accurately describe the behavior as "psychotic" or a loss of contact from reality. Many "victims" and I mean the person married/involved with the person having the midlife crisis, come to treatment. Usually the "midlifer" has projected their own negative emotions to the "victim". The midlifer communicates to the victim that they are at fault. "If only you ______________" You can fill in the blank.
If only you were home more, cooked more, cooked less. Folks, doesn't matter what you did, it was wrong. Again,not totally male phenomenon but mostly,there are women out there having the "midlife crisis". If your partner is going though this, don't isolate yourself. Talk to your friends, therapist and trust me, it is not your fault.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Affairs
AFFAIRS. Infidelity. Are they the demise of a marriage?
Not necessarily. All affairs are not the same and don't have the same significance or meaning. Upon learning about an affair the first step should be seeking help. Whether from a priest, rabbi or therapist it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you go with an open mind and heart, and that the person you go to is experienced in dealing with these matters.
I had the pleasure several years ago to attend a conference held by Ms. Emily M. Brown, MSW who wrote the book Patterns of Infidelity and their treatment.
She describes five different types of affairs: Conflict Avoidance, Intimacy Avoidance, Sexual Addiction, Empty Nest and Out the Door. To quickly review each:
Conflict Avoidance: men or women in their 20s or 30s, tend to avoid conflict, the affair is brief with minimal emotional involvement. This one has a low probablty of divore with worse outcome being other affairs or divorce.
Intimacy Avoidance: Male or female in 20-30s, tend to avoid intimacy, brief affair, low probablity of divorce, with worst outcome being other affiars or divorce,
Sexual Addiction: male,any age, brief affair, low probality of divorce, worse case scenario may be a damaged family and public humiliation.
Empty Nest: males ages 40 and up. The man is conflicted between family and shoulds vs wants. There is a higher probabiility of divorce, worst outcome an empty shell marriage. Then the last, is Out the door affair. Characterized as a way to avoid facing ending of the marriage. The affair lasts 6 months to 2 years. With a very high probabilty of divorce. Worst case scenario: unresolved loss.
Her presentation gives us a look at just how varied affairs are and how each has a diiferent meaning. They are not the definite end of a marriage but definitely the marriage will never be the same. An affair is said to either make a marriage stronger or break it. It is not advisable to have an affair to make a change or statement in the marriage. Seek elders, clergy, professional counselors if you are feeling a strain in your relationship. Remember that all behaviors have consequences. A married couple is not an island, there are children, friends,and relatives who also feel the pain of infidelity.
Not necessarily. All affairs are not the same and don't have the same significance or meaning. Upon learning about an affair the first step should be seeking help. Whether from a priest, rabbi or therapist it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you go with an open mind and heart, and that the person you go to is experienced in dealing with these matters.
I had the pleasure several years ago to attend a conference held by Ms. Emily M. Brown, MSW who wrote the book Patterns of Infidelity and their treatment.
She describes five different types of affairs: Conflict Avoidance, Intimacy Avoidance, Sexual Addiction, Empty Nest and Out the Door. To quickly review each:
Conflict Avoidance: men or women in their 20s or 30s, tend to avoid conflict, the affair is brief with minimal emotional involvement. This one has a low probablty of divore with worse outcome being other affairs or divorce.
Intimacy Avoidance: Male or female in 20-30s, tend to avoid intimacy, brief affair, low probablity of divorce, with worst outcome being other affiars or divorce,
Sexual Addiction: male,any age, brief affair, low probality of divorce, worse case scenario may be a damaged family and public humiliation.
Empty Nest: males ages 40 and up. The man is conflicted between family and shoulds vs wants. There is a higher probabiility of divorce, worst outcome an empty shell marriage. Then the last, is Out the door affair. Characterized as a way to avoid facing ending of the marriage. The affair lasts 6 months to 2 years. With a very high probabilty of divorce. Worst case scenario: unresolved loss.
Her presentation gives us a look at just how varied affairs are and how each has a diiferent meaning. They are not the definite end of a marriage but definitely the marriage will never be the same. An affair is said to either make a marriage stronger or break it. It is not advisable to have an affair to make a change or statement in the marriage. Seek elders, clergy, professional counselors if you are feeling a strain in your relationship. Remember that all behaviors have consequences. A married couple is not an island, there are children, friends,and relatives who also feel the pain of infidelity.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Happy 4th of July
The meaning of the holiday is Independence. I am dedicating this day to all my clients who are working through the pain of divorce and abandonment. It is a day to celebrate Independence and it is an opportunity to explore their current and future life "independently"
I refer to divorce as an "earthquake" in your life. For whatever time you have been married you built a foundation. For some it may be a weak foundation but it's like a concrete foundation regardless of how weak it may be. Then, one day, an "earthquake" happens and with out apparent warning, the foundation crumbles. There is chaos that follows and then there is a rebuilding.
In chaos, it is important that the person not isolate him/herself. Friends, a place of worship and hobbies/activities are very important. It is important to take care of the self, both physically and emotionally. Be careful to not participate in behaviors that will harm you. Some people become active in activities that will in fact harm them. If the feelings are overwhelming seek counseling.
If you are lonely this holiday, seek others. Get out of the house, find firework displays. Do something, take time to appreciate the great country we are so lucky to live in.
I refer to divorce as an "earthquake" in your life. For whatever time you have been married you built a foundation. For some it may be a weak foundation but it's like a concrete foundation regardless of how weak it may be. Then, one day, an "earthquake" happens and with out apparent warning, the foundation crumbles. There is chaos that follows and then there is a rebuilding.
In chaos, it is important that the person not isolate him/herself. Friends, a place of worship and hobbies/activities are very important. It is important to take care of the self, both physically and emotionally. Be careful to not participate in behaviors that will harm you. Some people become active in activities that will in fact harm them. If the feelings are overwhelming seek counseling.
If you are lonely this holiday, seek others. Get out of the house, find firework displays. Do something, take time to appreciate the great country we are so lucky to live in.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Father's Day
This weekend we will be celebrating Father's Day. It's a little more low key than Mother's Day, but I feel just as important. Father's role in the family has changed in the last fifty years , with fathers more involved in the care of children. As a therapist working with high conflict divorce, I have worked with many fathers who want to maintain a relationship with their children yet circumstances prevent it. I have seen mothers, with the help from some attorneys, attempt to prevent these relationships.
Fathers are very important in the life of all children. There are some fathers not interested in participating in the life of their children, but for those who are interested it is important that they are allowed. When couples separate and divorce, they divorce each other not the children.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY................................
Fathers are very important in the life of all children. There are some fathers not interested in participating in the life of their children, but for those who are interested it is important that they are allowed. When couples separate and divorce, they divorce each other not the children.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY................................
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Money
What a loaded topic! We all need it, some people base their self worth on it and others lose their self worth for it.
Many marital arguments are due to money or sex or sometimes both.
It is interesting to see how people deal with money. You have the savers that sacrifice themselves in order to have it, you have the spenders that can make multiple figures and yet have no money. As a therapist who works with divorced parents it's amazing to see how each parent can nickel and dime the other over what was spent on the kids. Child support is also a conflict since every father believes the mother is taking the money for nails, hair and men; the few mothers that pay child support feel that the father has the kids for the money he gets.
In a relationship, I find that money is symbolic of the health of the relationship. I have found that healthy couples have goals for their future and create a nest. Their money is for home/shelter, time together and meeting mutual goals. I see people hiding money, asserting their place in the home based on money and all that does is slowly destroy the relationship. In any relationship there is going to be one that makes more than the other. Perhaps through the life time of the relationship or at any given time. In a healthy relationship, the larger earner should not boast about this. There should be a sense of equality. Making more or less in a relationship does not determine your "rank" in the marriage or relationship. If there is love, the partners are equal.
Perhaps when we stop determining people's worth by how much money they make and instead value people for their character and behavior we shall all be a little happier and healthier.
Many marital arguments are due to money or sex or sometimes both.
It is interesting to see how people deal with money. You have the savers that sacrifice themselves in order to have it, you have the spenders that can make multiple figures and yet have no money. As a therapist who works with divorced parents it's amazing to see how each parent can nickel and dime the other over what was spent on the kids. Child support is also a conflict since every father believes the mother is taking the money for nails, hair and men; the few mothers that pay child support feel that the father has the kids for the money he gets.
In a relationship, I find that money is symbolic of the health of the relationship. I have found that healthy couples have goals for their future and create a nest. Their money is for home/shelter, time together and meeting mutual goals. I see people hiding money, asserting their place in the home based on money and all that does is slowly destroy the relationship. In any relationship there is going to be one that makes more than the other. Perhaps through the life time of the relationship or at any given time. In a healthy relationship, the larger earner should not boast about this. There should be a sense of equality. Making more or less in a relationship does not determine your "rank" in the marriage or relationship. If there is love, the partners are equal.
Perhaps when we stop determining people's worth by how much money they make and instead value people for their character and behavior we shall all be a little happier and healthier.
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