Coping with Life Issues

Happy New Year

2011-12-27T16:40:00.000-08:00

Just a few more days left of 2011. At this time of the year, people set out to make changes and plan on new year resolutions for 2012. While change is good, it is important to remain realistic about change and set realistic short and long term goals. It seems like gyms are packed the first week of January and empty by February. Be realistic and be forgiving of relapses in your plans. It's ok to mess up as long as you "get back on the wagon". You may even want to start your goals early, prior to January 1st. Think of life style change, change for the positive. For example, to live healthier, not just to lose weight. If you start an exercise plan, just follow your plan, go for the walk but don't weigh yourself everyday. Change is difficult and seeing results will take time. Enjoy life, and have a great New Year!
Since we are on the topic of change. In June of this year, after 10 plus years of indoor cycling, I took it outside. I became a cyclist. Funny, that was barely a thought in January. Now in February, I plan on completing a century ride. In cycling lingo that means that I will be doing a 100 mile ride. It is a fundraiser. Again, change can happen at any time, as long as you are open to the process.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T11:01:00.001-08:00

Yes, Happy Thanksgiving. A day to focus on our blessings and be grateful for what we have. It is not "turkey day" but Thanksgiving. If you are breathing, sitting up, lying down, conscious, have a large family, a small family, no family but have friends, have a good nurse at your side, whatever your situation is, look at the blessings. Even is one is dying with someone next to you at the hospital room you are blessed to have someone love you to the very end. The key to happiness, as I say, is to see and focus on what our blessings are, on what we do have and not what you think you should have. So you don't have a Ferrari but the xxyy car ( whatever you drive) takes you to see your family/friends....be grateful!!!!

emotions and health

2011-11-08T11:43:00.000-08:00

One's state of mind is as important as one's physical state. Our thoughts, and our self talk is as important as what we use to feed our bodies. Many people focus on calories, fat content and the like as if that alone was going to keep them healthy. Eating healthy portions of healthy foods is important but we also have to learn to keep our emotions in check. Being quick to anger, and holding grudges, lacking a sense of forgiveness also affects your health. As they say, "skinny people have heart attacks". Sure, it's related to genes but look at how you feel, keep your anger in check, work on communication with others and focus on complete health, not just your dietary constraints and habits.
Ideally, it's important to maintain good, healthy habits which should include, spiritual, physical, emotional, and intellectual growth.
Be well, Keep Healthy!

See a therapist? But I am not crazy!

2011-09-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

Many times when a parent or a spouse requests that their relative join them in or suggest counseling, I hear that the person responded that they are not crazy, and only crazy people go to therapy.
Well, first, what is craziness? Besides, to go to therapy/counseling you are going to a place where you have to identify concerns or issues and it's about talking and sharing.
There is nothing "crazy" about counseling and there is no shame. It's important to find a therapist you trust and feel comfortable with. In today's, hectic , if not "crazy", world with all our stresses, would it not be nice to find a safe, non judgemental place where you can go and share concerns, thoughts? To find a neutral party that can help clarify concerns or problems?
The media portrays the therapist as quiet and non challenging in a stark room with a couch. Not all therapists are the same and I always say it's a good thing to try and talk to the actual therapist when you call the office. This is not possible in many large offices that have many therapist but some smaller offices have the therapist make their own appointments. I, personally, use voicemail and make my own appointments. I understand that many times people call and don't feel comfortable talking to someone that is not the person who is going to see them.
If you feel stressed, tired, or something's not right.... it's totally OK and not crazy to talk to a professional.

Creating our sense of being...

2011-08-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting that anytime I look at media, any media, they are reporting news of a new celebrity break up. Some are real and some are not. It seems that there is a fascination with break ups. Are we celebrating divorces and other peoples heart aches?
What troubles me is that if we are focused on break ups and others' misery we are maintaining a negative vision and outlook on relationships and life. We are what we breed. As a nation and as individuals, if we breed negativity we are negative. We actually place ourselves in a dark box. It's about choices and how we choose to live our lives. We can choose happiness or we can choose sadness. Again, I know that there will be nay sayers. I understand the illness of depression and that bad things will happen to us. We need to grieve losses but also grow from them. We can choose to live, to be happy for others' successes and live in the light of growth, health and well being.
I am personally tired of hearing about real and or imagined break ups. Let's celebrate healthy relationships. Notice I did not say "happy," I said healthy. These are the committed, relationships that have their highs and lows. Let's celebrate kindness to others, friendships and goodwill!

Psycho ex wife.com

2011-08-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

It was reported on the Today Show, that a divorced couple "fighting" for sole custody of their two children were in court because the former husband started an "anonymous" blog about what was, allegedly, happening to his children at the hands of the his ex wife ( the mother of the children). In essence he was "bad mouthing" the mother of his children. His rationalization is that he felt that others were going through similar situations and he wanted to create a place for others to vent their feelings.
In court, the family court judge ruled that the blog needed to come down.
Now, this has stirred up a lot of discussion regarding first amendment rights.
Members of the legal community have commented publicly that he does have freedom of speech.
Now, I want to discuss this as Libia, the psychotherapist and parenting coordinator.
Taking the freedom of speech issue out of the equation for a bit. What are we dealing with here? Obviously the adults are grown, they have made obvious bad choices but two "good choices" are the children they had. They have a responsibility to provide a physically, and emotionally healthy environment for their children. What this man, who can be described as acting in a selfish manner, is doing is venting his feelings and carrying on about exes and especially his ex wife. He needs, in my humble opinion, to get off his public soap box, grow up, and realize he his ultimately hurting his children. Children need a positive image of both parents. They have genes and are products of both parents. No good is going to come for any child to be told their parent is bad, crazy or any other derogatory term. I tell my clients, if you tell your child that their other parent is "crap" you are in essence telling them they are half crap! We need to learn to cooperate and co-parent! It's not for the ex and not for you, it's for the children and their future!

Self Help.... Beware

2011-06-09T12:57:00.000-07:00

Last year I wrote about self help books and being careful about the credentials and experience of the writers. This was not meant as way to discriminate against writers, it was meant as a cautionary note since the reality is that anyone can write a book. I am readdressing this today because I was looking through this month's issues of Glamour magazine and saw an article that really struck me. I am not mentioning names but I guess you can look it up in Glamour magazine.
The article is about a 35 year old author who writes for men on relationships. The article was him admitting to never having been "in love" and actually how he did not feel he could feel those emotions. His relationships last on average 3 months and he admits to saying " I love you" to women because it felt like the thing to say. He admits to having had a lot of women try to change him.
Now, I guess this issue is open to interpretation, but do we want relationship advice from some one that admits to never having been in love, to never have the feeling? He tells how this may have started when at 13y, his parents divorced and he vowed never to be in love.
I guess you can make your own opinion, but in reality, a person who admits to feeling and being emotionally "numb" may not be the best person to hand out advice on relationships.
Just some thoughts.........

a little more on forgiveness

2011-06-03T13:31:00.001-07:00

Just last week I was looking through People magazine and saw a story on Elizabeth Smart. She is the young woman that was kidnapped and years later found. The kidnappers, a man and woman were arrested and the court proceedings are in process.
Well, the story is not about them but about Ms. Smart, and her sense of forgiveness which her mother instilled in her.
She says that she has forgiven her kidnappers and is moving on. She also states that she will not be sending them cards. I thought that Ms. Smart, who is a successful college student now, has truly given an example of forgiveness. She has emotionally forgiven them, will not make contact with them and is able to move on with her life and lead a productive life. Her soul will not be darkened by the seed of hatred or non forgiveness. Remember, we forgive for ourselves. To free ourselves.

Forgiveness

2011-05-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness is a wonderful and healing concept yet misunderstood. In reading and hearing people's ideas and thoughts about forgiveness it seems that people see it as letting people off the hook, letting things go and life goes on. It is the belief that you just go on with life with out addressing the issues. No, it is not that at all!
I am writing this today, as I read a story about Maria Shriver working on forgiveness and helping her kids forgive their father. Many may not understand that since as of this writing the belief is she is moving forward with a divorce.
The concept of forgiveness is to help you heal the wound that hurt you. That little cut in your heart that someone else's behavior caused you. You heal that for you. So that you can move on enjoying all the gifts and blessings bestowed on you. In essence, you will forgive but not forget. I am not saying that you severe or not severe the relationship with the person that caused you pain. It is not about that. It is about you healing and letting go of that pain. If you let that pain linger and do not let go, it's like a cancer that you feed. It will get ugly and take over your heart and soul and ultimately you become a bitter, joyless person, living a miserable life. Yes, ultimately empowering the person that hurt you. They go on with their life, but your memories and thoughts of revenge sicken your soul and you seize to live a healthy, productive life.
In essence, it's about you! You forgive for yourself. So that you are happy in the long term.
And, no, it is not easy and doesn't happen overnight. It is a process and a concsious effort to say, " I forgive" and you work on it. In the process, you are taking care of yourself.
Think about it. If you become angry and bitter at someone and you don't let go. Do you think you will have lots of friends and family wanting to be around you? You think you will appreciate the good things? I know you don't need the answer to that but I will give it to you anyway. It's no.
Make it a great day today!

Parenting Skills 101

2011-04-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

I know that some may feel that I minimize some topics into brief paragraphs but sometimes life is simple. When it comes to parenting, I belief that in theory it's simple and the difficult part is the day to day, consistant application of behavior modification. Reward the positive behavior and give consequences for the negative. But the most importnat thing to do is be a good role model for your kids. Children learn from what they see their parents do, not what they say. If your kids see you be forgiving of others, giving to charity, respecting others...guess what? They will learn that is what is appropriate and that is what they will do. As I think back as what shaped me, I can see where I learned from what my parents did and not so much what they said. So, if you want to be a great parent, work on any issues and be a role model. Live what you want your kids be.

Neuroplasticity......

2011-03-15T14:18:00.001-07:00

I wanted to introduce the word neuroplasticity because I think it is imporant. It refers to the ability our brain has to change as a result of our experiences. I think it is important because this means that today, you have the abiltity to make changes in your brain to improve your life. If you take the concept of positive imagery and you practice it on a daily/regular basis you can make changes in your life. Even people that are in psychiatric treatment and take medication along with thinking/cogntive changes can eventually improve their lives.
There are many tests and research that have gone in to the this study but the fact is that there is hope and you have to believe in yourself and the fact that even if you have been suffering from depression, if you have had years of trauma, there is hope and help. If you find yourself grieving a loss over 6 months, please see a professional. Long term depression and trauma can create changes in your brain but with treatment, there is hope that there can be permanant change for the better. Both counseling and medication can work great together. For many counseling alone may be what is needed.

Sex in a new relationship

2011-03-09T15:51:00.000-08:00

I often am asked by my clients when it is appropriate to have sex. While I remind my clients that I am not the moral police, and it's an individual choice I have a few thoughts to share.
The literature that is available on sexuality and dating basically describes a release of hormones that prevent clear thinking once there is a sexual experience. Like it's also not a good idea to drink on a first date. You want to get to know who you are getting to know and potentially having a relationship with.
Back to sex. Many times people do have sex too quickly so they are not able to truly get to know the person. There is much written about whether men and women are different or similar about sex? Many believe men do not attach as women do after a sexual experience.
Literature that is out on this topic says that first, wait until it feels right, and most importantly get to know that person and take your time. Steve Harvey author of ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN: WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS,INTIMACY AND COMMITMENT writes about waiting three months, not that there is magic to three months but he makes a point of comparing this to a new job with a three month probational period. This is a little humerus but seems to make sense. Don't you want to see if you want this person in your life? If you all work out? Are compatible?
Again, I am not the moral police but seems that if you are looking for a long term relationship, it may be beneficial to wait on the sex and build a strong foundation or at least know the person.
Happy dating!

The Perfect male catch at mid life!!!!!!!!!!

2011-03-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

We live in a world of guarantees. We are offered guarantees for everything we buy practically. We have come to somehow expect things to be perfect. Funny, because no one said life was going to be perfect and there are no guarantees. When dating it seems like women have interesting ideas of what the perfect man is. I have been amused by comments about what the men wear, drive etc. But also of interest, especially in mid-life is which is the best? Divorced, never married or widowed. Much has been said of each....for example, the divorced man may have the evil ex wife, the never married may have commitment phobias, and widowed has no baggage.
But again, we are forgetting that each person is different, has different experiences and one needs to approach each situation openly and free of bias.
There are no guarantees...while the widower is seen as with out baggage, he may idolize the deceased wife..... the divorced man may have been married before but so burned that he is commitment phobe or have other issues where he should have never married in the first place.
And, the single guy may just have had a life altering experience and be willing to commit.
Again, there are no guarantees, life is a journey and it's important to get to know the person.
We can not put people in boxes and make assumptions. What is important is that both parties are honest about their short and long term goals, and only time will tell because we can be told very pretty things in the beginning but only time will tell since people's true colors show with time. Happy dating!

Love

2011-03-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

As I came to write on the blog, I already knew what I wanted to write about. I then realized that this is the second month that I write about love. And you know, it is not a bad thing! We all need love; especially with all the economic stress, wars, and losses everyone experiences so frequently.

I was inspired to write about love because of something I witnessed at home. I have a cat that has a chronic illness similar to Lupus. A few months ago she appeared to have a stroke and I took her in for her to be euthanized. I learned then ,what she had was a bleeding tumor in her ear, but after treatment she was better and will need daily ear drops and monthly shots. The vet and I decided to watch her and I said we'd call it hospice care since she was still interacting with the other cats and dog so she seemed too healthy to be euthanized.

I have seen the other cats kiss her head, lick her wound and they all spend time together...she even has neighborhood cat friends she interacts with. We went to the vet last week and her tumor no longer bleeds. She is better. What I find so amazing here is..... that I feel the love she has received from others has helped her heal.

So, before I lose you because you think I am a crazy cat lady....think about something...... love has the power to heal and comfort the weary and sick. There are bedridden people who so need a phone call or a nod....and we all do.....

So I thought I would share and ask everyone to be more loving to your fellow man/woman. We all can use a dose of love in our lives...It works for animals and it works for humans!

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T09:49:00.001-08:00

Are you in love? Think you are in love? Do you know what love is? Read the following and be honest with yourself.

" Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous;love is not boastful or conceited,it is never rude and never seeks advantage;it does not take offense or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing,but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Not to be compared to anything pathological, it is not co dependency. It is healthy and found in oneself and partners.

Midlife, Divorce, Change, Growth.......

2011-01-28T10:55:00.000-08:00

I have posted in the past about midlife,challenges and have even posted about my own divorce. I wanted to share a book I read recently. I feel a need to share since the author is a therapist, divorced and a marathon runner. I have run two full marathons in my life and currently run half(s) just because I am on the slacker side and it's much easier to train and even go under trained for a half marathon which is "only" 13.1 miles. Maybe I am inspired to write about this book because I will be running the ING Miami Half marathon this weekend. Well, perhaps I should not let everyone know this since I have slacked on training, eaten way too many potato chips and oh, the chocolates. But, I have committed to this so I may run, walk, crawl, but I will be there this weekend.

The book is: Second Wind: One Woman's Midlife Quest to Run Seven Marathons on Seven Continents. The author is Cami Ostman. Although I have no plans to race in all 7 continents...although I have thought about doing all marathons in Florida.... well, maybe the
half(s.) Well, maybe.

This is Ms. Ostmans personal journey, where she explores her feelings regarding religion, women, marriage and life in general. One does not have to be a runner to appreciate this book. Ms. Ostman even discusses that while running was her vessel to self growth everyone can choose their own. I have said many times that marathon running has taught me a lot. You start at the starting line hoping for the best. On that journey there will be elevations, such as hills, bridges, wind, rain and many obstacles. There will be pain, but you will dig deep within yourself to get the strength to push through. On occasions there will be catastrophes where the bus or rescue will pick you up. Theses are rare but if you live through it, you can come back next time stronger and complete the challenge. Again, it comes down to choices, we are winners if we choose to be winners. By winner, I don't mean winning the marathon..... but winning for you, conquering your challenge.

Yes you can, if you believe you can.

Choose Life

2010-11-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

In today's world, these two words can cause a heated debate. These two simple words have become charged by a movement that perhaps need not be political. But this is not about that.
" Choose Life" I saw that on a license plate the other day and couldn't help but see that there is so much more to this than the political movement. Let's read it again, Choose Life.

I believe when we choose life, we choose to live. Choose to be whole, be positive, share with others and work on maintaining peace in our souls.

Happiness and contentment, as is love are all choices. We choose to love others and we choose to be happy and content. What is the secret to happiness? I have a deal for you, I can let you on the secret, right here, for free. No need to buy the the several books out there. Count your blessings and be aware and happy for what you have.

Of course, life is full of hills and valleys. But, you have blessings, you have strengths. It is not about what your neighbor has or what you think you "should have" it's what you have.

An exercise that some people do, is keep a blessings journal. For those not used to seeing life this way, it may take a while to reframe your thinking, but it is possible.

Take time this Thanksgiving and look at the blessings, the positives in your life.

Parenting Your Catholic Teen (Part One)

2010-10-06T06:27:00.000-07:00

Parenting Your Catholic Teen (Part One)

Libia's Interview... friends and couples (in spanish)

2010-09-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

Me too!

2010-06-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

Well, sometimes a therapist has to share her story and this is it. I have worked with the issue of divorce throughout my career and have even worked with high conflict divorce helping parents co parent, and helping children cope with divorce. This year I have traveled down the path that many of my past, current and future clients have or will travel.
Because of the myriad of emotions and experiences I have had, I now have another level of enlightenment and empathy to essentially make me a better therapist.
I now have the book knowledge, the clinical and personal experience. I feel it is important to share because no person is an island. It can happen to anyone and we should all support each other. People experiencing divorce are not lepers, but people living through something that no one plans for. while I was on my journey, there were wonderful people out there who shared their stories. From each story, you learn something and you connect to another person. If you are experiencing separation or divorce, reach out, do not be ashamed. If the feelings are too overpowering seek professional help, but also talk to family, friends and find a support group. Some churches even have free support groups which are led by people who have "walked the walk" Reach out.

Experience

2010-05-11T18:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been writing this blog for a year now. I celebrate 20 years of having graduated with my master's degree and beginning my official career as a psychotherapist today. I have been in the mental field since 1986.
I think this is one of the few professions where it is actually OK to be older. Well, sometimes.
Age is not experience. One can not assume that because the psychotherapist looks "seasoned" that she/he is qualified or experienced. Many individuals turn to counseling as second career while for many it is their first career.
When making an appointment, ask about experience and licensure. There is also the belief that relationship and your ability to "connect" with the therapist is what is most important and in fact more important than whether they have a doctorate or master degree.
In the age of managed care,many feel that they do not have choices of whom they want to choose for counseling but most larger insurance carriers should have an extended list of therapists near you. Get a list and call. By calling several you can get a feel for the therapist. Many, as I do, answer their own phones and use voicemail. This gives me the opportunity of speaking with the caller before making an appointment and there, at that initial contact, begins the therapeutic relationship.

" I wish my mom/dad didn't have so many boy/girlfriends"

2010-05-01T05:15:00.000-07:00

If you are dating and have always wondered what your kids think about you bringing dates, lovers and multiple boy/girlfriends home,that may be what they are thinking. Many times children have expressed to me that they wish their parents would date less. Now, this does not mean that the children control or should control their parents. I will say though that they do not need to know what their parents' sex, dating or "whatever" life is. What happens is that children become attached to the new "friend" brought in to their lives and then one day they are gone forever. This is another loss. I recommend that parents live their life, while of course being responsible in their parenting, and once they have met the person they feel "is it" and is going to be a constant figure, then, and only then, do they introduce them to the children. As we all know, even then, there are no guarantees but the child has been shielded from many new people they could have bonded and then lost.

Is there life after divorce?

2010-04-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

Divorce is a major life stressor and chaotic especially for the person not initiating the divorce. I say this because the person initiating the divorce has come to the decision after months and even years of thought and preparation. The person not initiating this is many times surprised. There are many levels of awareness as there are people and marriages. By initiating the divorce I do not mean legally, I mean the emotional breakup. Many times the person legally filing is not the one initiating the divorce.
Jim Smoke, author of GROWING THROUGH DIVORCE could not have said it better in his book. He answers the question of life life after divorce as " unless you die right now reading this" He goes on to say that yes, there is life after divorce.
That can not be more accurate. As humans we, many times, do not see the forest for the trees. You can't just focus on the tree right in front of you. You have to look around and be aware that there is not just one tree but a forest. Get out of the little black box you initially put yourself in and explore who you are, where you are, and where you want to be. There is a great big world out there. If you remain open to it's wonder you will not only grow but may very well be happy.

Happiness!

2010-04-16T13:21:00.000-07:00

In the last several months it seems the shelves of the local bookstores are full of books on happiness. Many titles promise to teach us how, and where to find happiness.
What does that word mean to you? What are your thoughts and feelings when you hear that word?
Is it "warm and fuzzy" feelings? Visions of blue sky? Fields of daisies? Lot's of money? Lots of sex?
It seems that we all have a different idea of what happiness is, everyone is searching and few can say they are "happy"
I have heard people say it doesn't exist, that we create our own happiness... and I guess everyone will have an opinion and or a thought.
Well, what makes you happy?
We can look at the basics.
1. Health. If you are in poor health, can you really do anything? What is good health?
2. Shelter. You need shelter from the elements. You need to be safe.
3. Food. We all need to eat to stay alive.
4. Family and friends. We are social animals.

Now, in our search for happiness...............
1. Health. We can have some diagnosis here or there. But as long as we take care of ourselves we are OK. It should not define us.
2. Shelter. How much square footage do we need? Do we need the bigger house?
3. Food. We can have food from the different food groups. We don't need to eat at the fanciest restaurants as long as we eat nutritionally.
4. Friends and family. Good, healthy relationships with "real" people. It doesn't matter what they drive, how much they make a year. It's who they are as people.

Guess where you find happiness? In your self. You make decisions in your thinking. You can talk yourself into being happy and you can also talk yourself into being unhappy. It is up to you. Read the books if you like but, you have to do the work for yourself. We all have an internal dialogue with ourselves. We can either choose happiness or unhappiness.

Self Help Books

2010-02-21T08:06:00.001-08:00

Many of my clients ask me about books they can read. Some have read numerous books, some have never and ask for titles.
I am an avid reader, primarily fiction. I have read many psychology books as part of my training obviously.
However, I believe we have to be cautious regarding self help books. First, a topic that is written about extensively is dating. My goodness, if those books were so great, everyone would be in a relationship and/or married. There are very good books to read and there are bad books to read. Well, not "bad" but books that list rules for dating. Like, where are the theories and studies to back this up. I will say, and this is partly true and partly a joke. If you happen to be a neurotic person, well be it, and let that date get a dose of who you are. Sure, there may not be a second date but once your neurosis came out in full swing, they would be out the door anyway. And, guess what? As you continue to date, a neurosis loving date may appear and you have met your soul mate. Yes, I know, it is not necessarily that easy, but the point in this is, be yourself. Honor thyself. I am not saying don't read the books but don't forget who you are.
Obviously, if you feel you are neurotic and not happy about it, well then, you may want to seek professional counseling to balance the neurosis and make appropriate changes.
What I do recommend is to look for books written by mental health professionals. You also may want to look at their credentials. Some writers say they have a doctorate degree but when you look it up, it is not even in psychology.
I guess my point is, buyer beware and don't act like anyone tells you to in a book. Be yourself.

How to Stay Positive when You Know Your Life Sucks - wikiHow

2010-02-14T10:50:00.000-08:00

How to Stay Positive when You Know Your Life Sucks - wikiHow

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-09T04:44:00.000-08:00

Valentine's, another of those "holidays" that half the people say they hate and the other half can not get enough of. It is another day that merchants prepare for and the airways are full of commercials for. "For the one you love.........." It is time for that huge diamond, huge flower arrangement. Key word, huge.
Now, there are many single people out there and I want to dedicate this to them.
Those with any kind of "significant other" make sure you give each other something.
Oh, and by no means am I saying, the "huge" anything. A meal, time together, a thought or a rose is fine.
Now, back to singles. I want to add that Valentine's Day is a day of friendship. I actually spoke with a teenager recently that agreed with another friend ( both are girls) to be each other's Valentines. No, it is not sexual, it is in the spirit of friendship.
Now, singles, don't forget yourself. Treat yourself to something nice, a pedicure/manicure is nice, maybe in vivid red,unless you are male and want to go more conservative, then do clear or buff.
Take a class, do something for yourself and of course, do not forget your friends.
Send greetings to all on your social network sites, give co workers candy or bring in something with that theme.
Valentine's Day is a day of friendship,a day to acknowledge friends, relatives and all those that are around to give us warm and fuzzies through out the year.
Enjoy!

Time flies?!

2010-01-18T15:19:00.000-08:00

Well, it's the middle of the month in the new year and new decade. Some folks made New Years resolutions and reality just hit. We are back to the routine of daily life!
Work, kids, traffic, bills.......
Gyms have been packed with well intended folks.
Now, if on day 2, 3, 15 you felt a relapse into old behaviors, do not give up!
Pick yourself up and get back on track. Many times New Year's resolutions are unrealistic and apparent failure is imminent. Apparent failure is not failure, it is a learning experience. Perhaps the plan was not realistic, and you may want to start slower, at a smaller level. Guess what? That is Okay!
Starting small and with slow progress is good. The focus needs to be on being consistent. Baby steps until you reach your goal.
If you are not where you wanted to be with your resolution? It's Okay. Start again. You actually have less pressure now that we are in the middle of January.
Go for it!

New Year!

2009-12-28T02:22:00.000-08:00

As we get ready for another year, many people start verbalizing plans for change and new year resolutions. Many have great expectations of changes that will come in the new year. January 1st is the beginning and by perhaps the middle of the month there is disappointment.
Well, it is wonderful to have great expectations,ideas and plans for the new year.
What we have to remember is that change, although possible , is very difficult. We need to have short and long term plans and be forgiving of ourselves when our progress is slow or we fall short of what we expected.
Tell others of your plans and surround yourself with support. Allow yourself setbacks and start back even if at first you feel you have failed.
It can be done. You may even want to start making small preparations before January 1st. Be a little flexible with your deadlines.
Depending on your goal, you may want to have visuals such as pictures or charts to provide you an idea or actual visual of your progress or where it is you need more help.
Have faith in yourself and you can succeed.
To a great new decade and year!

who hurts in an affair

2009-12-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

As we all watch the Tiger Woods affair situation, it is important to remember that there is pain being felt by all parties. In the aftermath of the disclosure of any marital affair, it is not only the spouse/victim that hurts deeply but also the inlaws, children and even friends. No one is an island, when someone makes a unilateral decision to cheat, have any emotional and/or physical relationship with another person, they are momentarily satisfying a need at the expense of the the spouse, children, friends and inlaws.
All affairs are different and it is not about the sex. Some adulterers blame the spouse for their affair. They can not accept that they have done wrong so they look for a way to justify their bad behavior.
In the affair, the cheater, makes a conscious decision to go outside the marriage. They make a decision to lie, hide and behave poorly.
If the marriage is not working, look for counseling, legal counsel,look for help; jumping into bed or online with another person, is not the answer.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

Well, we are in the thick, sort of speak, of the holiday season. Thanksgiving has passed and now we are getting ready for the holidays. We have Hanukkah and Christmas to look forward. With them come, get together with friends, family, co-workers and a time of joy and giving.
It is time to focus on our blessings and enjoy those who are around us and provide us joy through out the year.
It is a difficult time for many since they recall memories of those friends and family that have passed. Many people also feel melancholy but can't identify why. Many tell me" this is the saddest time of the year for me"
While this time may bring sadness, I believe that accepting this yet re framing the thought or changing it around is the key. We make choices in life, sometimes that includes a choice to make ourselves less unhappy and look and work at some sense of happiness. Practice makes perfect, let's practice making ourselves happier. Let's smile more, look at the glass as half full.
I know, it is not easy. But, the good things in life have never been! Every morning, meditate or pray. Envision yourself being happy and experiencing a happy holiday related activity daily.

Rebound Relationships

2009-10-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

Dating after a breakup is a tricky thing. When is the right time? I tell my clients to use caution. While it is important to socialize and interact with others, it is important to understand that when you have had a long term relationship or marriage, there is a bond or joining of souls, if you will, that has been broken. After a break up you are vulnerable, and it is very easy to fill the void with another person, who will turn out to be the wrong person. Not that the person is a bad person, but most probably not the right match. It is normal to want to get back the attention and "love" that was lost; be careful.
The person "abandoning" the relationship may have already met another person who was used to fill that person's void and strengthen the person's will to leave and abandon their partner. The "dumped" person many times comes to counseling grieving the loss,abandonment and envying the "dumper's" relationship. There is nothing to envy there. That relationship many times is weak, based on lies and infidelity. There may be a marriage but not a healthy one. For the "dumper", when that "second" relationship ends, that person will grieve both relationships. The "dumpee" has grieved once. So there is nothing to envy. Once the "dumpee" finds a new partner, they are in a much better place emotionally and spiritually. After separation and divorce, focus on yourself and get to know yourself again. Reconnect with friends. If you date, understand that this person can be a friend and reframe from focusing on relationship. It is OK to date many people. Dating does not mean becoming sexually involved. Focus on self and self growth with a healthy network of friends.

School time!

2009-08-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

It's that time of the year; back to school. Five year olds starting school for the first time. Older "children" starting Middle and Senior High and oh, the anxiety of the parents sending off the "young adults" to college. A time of transition for many.
To the parents I say, you have hopefully taught your kids manners, and self respect at whatever age they are and can allow yourself to let them experience and learn for themselves. For many parents there is a change. No child home during the day, or living in the home. This should not be viewed as a negative. It can also be a time for the child's primary caretaker to return to school, work, or community service. It can be time to start a home business in the spare room. Time to rekindle romance instead of having an empty nest.
Whatever age, parents need to give kids the "space" to grow. New friends in Kindergarten, space for the young adult to mature.
It is funny now, in a time of cell phones how some parents feel a need to call the "child" through out the day. How did previous generations cope?
It will be a time of change and transition for many and these are to be framed in positive ways. Growth and even that little tinge of pain is good. It is growth. It will be a benefit in the long run.
Parents talk to your kids about personal responsibility, it should have started a while ago. Have the conversation again ,trust your kids, and that you have done your job. Enjoy Life!

The "midlife crisis"

2009-08-06T05:22:00.000-07:00

Now, when you see the term "midlife crisis" what comes to mind? Is it a valid term? Is it an American phenomenon? What is it?
Most probably you think it is something that happens to men. They lose weight, start dressing hipper, get the sports car and think they are just so cool!
There is no mental health diagnosis for this although maybe the collaborators of the DSM (bible of diagnosis for mental health providers) need to look at this.
The phenomenon happens between the ages of 30 something and late 50s. It is mostly men although I have had male clients who describe the same happening to their wives. Is it hormonal/physical? Sometimes an illness or physical sexual issues/problems preceded this. Some individuals , once a history is taken come from a dysfunctional family of origin. Maybe there was alcoholism or parental infidelity. Not everyone has a midlife crisis but when someone has one it is disruptive not only to the person but to the spouse, children and extended family. As a mental health provider, I can most accurately describe the behavior as "psychotic" or a loss of contact from reality. Many "victims" and I mean the person married/involved with the person having the midlife crisis, come to treatment. Usually the "midlifer" has projected their own negative emotions to the "victim". The midlifer communicates to the victim that they are at fault. "If only you ______________" You can fill in the blank.
If only you were home more, cooked more, cooked less. Folks, doesn't matter what you did, it was wrong. Again,not totally male phenomenon but mostly,there are women out there having the "midlife crisis". If your partner is going though this, don't isolate yourself. Talk to your friends, therapist and trust me, it is not your fault.

Affairs

2009-07-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

AFFAIRS. Infidelity. Are they the demise of a marriage?
Not necessarily. All affairs are not the same and don't have the same significance or meaning. Upon learning about an affair the first step should be seeking help. Whether from a priest, rabbi or therapist it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you go with an open mind and heart, and that the person you go to is experienced in dealing with these matters.
I had the pleasure several years ago to attend a conference held by Ms. Emily M. Brown, MSW who wrote the book Patterns of Infidelity and their treatment.
She describes five different types of affairs: Conflict Avoidance, Intimacy Avoidance, Sexual Addiction, Empty Nest and Out the Door. To quickly review each:
Conflict Avoidance: men or women in their 20s or 30s, tend to avoid conflict, the affair is brief with minimal emotional involvement. This one has a low probablty of divore with worse outcome being other affairs or divorce.
Intimacy Avoidance: Male or female in 20-30s, tend to avoid intimacy, brief affair, low probablity of divorce, with worst outcome being other affiars or divorce,
Sexual Addiction: male,any age, brief affair, low probality of divorce, worse case scenario may be a damaged family and public humiliation.
Empty Nest: males ages 40 and up. The man is conflicted between family and shoulds vs wants. There is a higher probabiility of divorce, worst outcome an empty shell marriage. Then the last, is Out the door affair. Characterized as a way to avoid facing ending of the marriage. The affair lasts 6 months to 2 years. With a very high probabilty of divorce. Worst case scenario: unresolved loss.
Her presentation gives us a look at just how varied affairs are and how each has a diiferent meaning. They are not the definite end of a marriage but definitely the marriage will never be the same. An affair is said to either make a marriage stronger or break it. It is not advisable to have an affair to make a change or statement in the marriage. Seek elders, clergy, professional counselors if you are feeling a strain in your relationship. Remember that all behaviors have consequences. A married couple is not an island, there are children, friends,and relatives who also feel the pain of infidelity.

Happy 4th of July

2009-07-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

The meaning of the holiday is Independence. I am dedicating this day to all my clients who are working through the pain of divorce and abandonment. It is a day to celebrate Independence and it is an opportunity to explore their current and future life "independently"
I refer to divorce as an "earthquake" in your life. For whatever time you have been married you built a foundation. For some it may be a weak foundation but it's like a concrete foundation regardless of how weak it may be. Then, one day, an "earthquake" happens and with out apparent warning, the foundation crumbles. There is chaos that follows and then there is a rebuilding.
In chaos, it is important that the person not isolate him/herself. Friends, a place of worship and hobbies/activities are very important. It is important to take care of the self, both physically and emotionally. Be careful to not participate in behaviors that will harm you. Some people become active in activities that will in fact harm them. If the feelings are overwhelming seek counseling.

If you are lonely this holiday, seek others. Get out of the house, find firework displays. Do something, take time to appreciate the great country we are so lucky to live in.

Father's Day

2009-06-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

This weekend we will be celebrating Father's Day. It's a little more low key than Mother's Day, but I feel just as important. Father's role in the family has changed in the last fifty years , with fathers more involved in the care of children. As a therapist working with high conflict divorce, I have worked with many fathers who want to maintain a relationship with their children yet circumstances prevent it. I have seen mothers, with the help from some attorneys, attempt to prevent these relationships.
Fathers are very important in the life of all children. There are some fathers not interested in participating in the life of their children, but for those who are interested it is important that they are allowed. When couples separate and divorce, they divorce each other not the children.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY................................

Money

2009-06-16T12:56:00.000-07:00

What a loaded topic! We all need it, some people base their self worth on it and others lose their self worth for it.
Many marital arguments are due to money or sex or sometimes both.
It is interesting to see how people deal with money. You have the savers that sacrifice themselves in order to have it, you have the spenders that can make multiple figures and yet have no money. As a therapist who works with divorced parents it's amazing to see how each parent can nickel and dime the other over what was spent on the kids. Child support is also a conflict since every father believes the mother is taking the money for nails, hair and men; the few mothers that pay child support feel that the father has the kids for the money he gets.
In a relationship, I find that money is symbolic of the health of the relationship. I have found that healthy couples have goals for their future and create a nest. Their money is for home/shelter, time together and meeting mutual goals. I see people hiding money, asserting their place in the home based on money and all that does is slowly destroy the relationship. In any relationship there is going to be one that makes more than the other. Perhaps through the life time of the relationship or at any given time. In a healthy relationship, the larger earner should not boast about this. There should be a sense of equality. Making more or less in a relationship does not determine your "rank" in the marriage or relationship. If there is love, the partners are equal.
Perhaps when we stop determining people's worth by how much money they make and instead value people for their character and behavior we shall all be a little happier and healthier.

Marital Separation

2009-06-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

One frequently asked question from couples coming in for counseling is: Libia, should we separate?
Well, it all depends on what is happening in the relationship. If a couple is having issues,disagreements I would say work the issues out in counseling while living together.I ask them what the purpose of the separation is?What are their individual thoughts and plans. What do they want for their marriage? Separation is going to bring distance in the relationship that may aggravate the situation. Marital separation is recommended where there is the potential for abuse and/or violence. If that is happening any professional is going to tell you to separate and one of the parties needs to find a place to stay. I would also recommend finding legal advice since there is the question of whether that person "abandoned" the home. Although my understanding is ( and I am not an attorney, and not qualified to say) but leaving the home( in Florida at least) does not mean you lose rights.
If you are in an abusive and or potentially violent situation get out. If you don't have a place to go, call the Police and they can take you to a shelter.
So, do you separate? If you want to seriously work on the relationship? No. Unless you are in a potentially dangerous situation then get out and get help! The only other reason would be if you are planning to split up or divorce.

Child Abuse

2009-06-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

It's a topic I choose to write about today, as I was just on a panel discussion on a local radio station on the subject.
What is it? I will start by saying that I will divide it into three types:
negligence, sexual abuse and physical abuse.
Negligence can be emotional, physical or medical. This is when the child's emotional needs are not met, or when they are not fed, clothed or housed appropriately. Dirty clothes, hunger or inadequate housing, when it is clear that there are no financial issues, is neglience. In fact, abuse and neglect are not related to social economic status. It happens in the best of neighborhoods as well as in the worst of neighborhoods. Not giving appropriate boudaries to children can also be neglect. Parents are responsible for their children until the age of 18. Not following medical advice can also be abuse.Professionals see most of these cases when parents are divorced or seperated and there is a battle where one parent chooses to not medicate the child because they feel that the child does not "need" the medication.
Sexual abuse is the sexualization of the child. Not just touching, or penetration but also exposure to sexual information such as pornography. Obviously, sexual educational material when used appropriately is not considered abuse.
Physical abuse perhaps is the most obvious. There will be broken bones, bruises etc.
A question many parents have is; is spanking abuse? Ask a therapist and we say, let's try giving consequences and redirecting behavior. Others may believe it is OK. At least in Florida, it is OK.
Leaving marks, such as bruises and broken bones and the like, is abuse.
As the ecomony becomes more challenging and stress levels in families increases, I recommend that parents work on stress management; exercise, attend religious services, visit with supportive family and friends.
When that is not enough, please see a mental health professional.

Happy Memorial Day

2009-05-24T09:13:00.001-07:00

Memorial Day marks the unofficial start of summer. This weekend, families will be driving all across this great country going on weekend getaways, family reunions, the beach and let's not forget the mall, for those great "Memorial Day sales. " As we look forward to summer sun, fun and bargains let's take a little time to "remember" what we are celebrating. It is called Memorial Day because we are remembering and honoring all the men and women who have sacrificed so that we can live in a great country.

Enjoy.........................

Friends

2009-05-13T07:49:00.000-07:00

How important are friends? Very!
While important to clarify, friends are very important. Good, supportive friends. Friends are not what dysfunctional folks refer to when they go out without their spouse, to cheat or escape family responsibilities.
Friends are folks that share similiar interests, support you emotionally, like you and support your lifestyle which would include your spouse or significant other.
You may know these people from a community group, Church, Synagogue, or work. Having folks you can share, talk, and laugh with enhances the quality of your life and even your intimate relationships. Regular outings with your friends is totally acceptable even for married folks. The problem is the group that use this opportunity to cheat and act in inappropriate ways. These folks give the concept a bad image and ruin it for many. There needs to be trust in a relationship and those out with their friends should be behaving appropriately not abusing the trust. Going out with friends is done in addition to going out with your spouse or significant other and your responsibilities to your family is priority.
These experiences, enhance our lives and make us more interesting, happy people.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T09:31:00.001-07:00

5-10-09
It's an interesting thing to see people's reaction to this day. I find my spinning instructor's comment to be inspirational. He wished everyone in class a "Happy Mother's Day" He said that even women that do not have children have "mothered" some children. For the most part, that is very true. Woman as teachers, therapists, child care workers, and in various roles have "mothered" and nurtured children. If only we can focus on the positives , such as nurturing and mothering today and not focus on loss. I have met individuals who "detest" the day and will say so weeks before the actual holiday. Their mother is either deceased or they had a dysfunctional family and relationship with their mother. For those people, that is truly unfortunate however, perhaps you can focus on a teacher, aunt, grandmother or any other special woman in your life. I find that we have to make a choice to make ourselves "happy" and functional. Look for the positive, not the negative and in the process not hurt or blame others.

In the Beginning

2009-05-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

May 8, 2009
On Monday, May 11th, I will be celebrating 19 years of having graduated with my Master's of Social Work and becoming a psychotherapist. In 1986 is when I officially entered the field of mental health. I am trying very hard to not feel old.
In celebration of all these years in the field, I have decided to start a blog with the hope that I can address issues affecting others in the world of cyberspace.
I am by no means computer literate or an internet junkie, yet! But I hope to reach others that for whatever reason do not go to a therapist's office. I wrote a column for a local community newspaper many years ago and found that to be a lot of fun. Well, here I go again.
It is Friday evening and I hope everyone makes it a good weekend. Make plans for some activities, get out and do! I will be running a 5K, getting back into running since my last half marathon in January 2009. I have attended to other issues and have slacked on running. I am being kind to myself and not doing the 10K. Hobbies and especially exercise are very important. Any aerobic exercise gets more oxygen to your brain and helps with concentration while also releasing those good ole endorphins. So go do something this weekend even if you have to push yourself. You will feel better after.